Cleansing tears. Going through introspection. I have a box of old letters and pictures and poems I wrote and have been going through them trying to figure out who I really was to figure out who I really am. Does the core of who we are really change as we get older? I don’t think it does. Life hands us so much to deal with and to fight through and parts of us become muddled and can get lost for awhile, but I don’t think who we are really changes. I have always been a dreamer, a soul-searcher, a lover of life and of beautiful things. I love poetry and art and music and nature and things having to do with the soul. I was lost for a long while, at least those beautiful parts of me were stifled and pushed down, and I feel myself truly coming back to….myself. But it is taking a lot of searching for those hidden gems of who I was to find out who I am and who I’d like to be.
There are so many “self-help” gurus out there trying to help us find out who we are meant to be by using their formulas and their “steps to a better you”, etc. I think if we truly go within we will figure out who we are. If we step away from the busyness of our lives and take time for the quiet, like I have been, it all comes to the forefront. I am such a work-in-progress it’s funny to me, and scary at the same time.
Life seems to be going by so quickly. It’s now 2014 and I’m grasping with all of my might to slow time down, even just a little. I’m finding presence helps a bit. Really being in the moment instead of just on auto-pilot. Slowing my breath down, really seeing everything going on and feeling and noticing subtleties. Not just rushing around with my mind in the clouds. It’s hard to breathe deeply and focus on the present. I don’t know why either, I think because my mind is always on the past and always worried about the future…Pema Chodron calls it “monkey mind”…always thinking always moving always always always. It’s so hard to slow it down. I can’t even meditate because my monkey mind is always flitting from one thought to another.
My intention for 2014 is “presence”. Just trying to be present in every moment, so I can really get back to the core of who I am.