Bits of Introspection


Cleansing tears.  Going through introspection.  I have a box of old letters and pictures and poems I wrote and have been going through them trying to figure out who I really was to figure out who I really am.  Does the core of who we are really change as we get older?  I don’t think it does.  Life hands us so much to deal with and to fight through and parts of us become muddled and can get lost for awhile, but I don’t think who we are really changes.  I have always been a dreamer, a soul-searcher, a lover of life and of beautiful things.  I love poetry and art and music and nature and things having to do with the soul.   I was lost for a long while, at least those beautiful parts of me were stifled and pushed down, and I feel myself truly coming back to….myself.  But it is taking a lot of searching for those hidden gems of who I was to find out who I am and who I’d like to be.

There are so many “self-help” gurus out there trying to help us find out who we are meant to be by using their formulas and their “steps to a better you”, etc.  I think if we truly go within we will figure out who we are.  If we step away from the busyness of our lives and take time for the quiet, like I have been, it all comes to the forefront.   I am such a work-in-progress it’s funny to me, and scary at the same time.

Life seems to be going by so quickly.  It’s now 2014 and I’m grasping with all of my might to slow time down, even just a little.  I’m finding presence helps a bit.  Really being in the moment instead of just on auto-pilot.   Slowing my breath down, really seeing everything going on and feeling and noticing subtleties.   Not just rushing around with my mind in the clouds.  It’s hard to breathe deeply and focus on the present.  I don’t know why either,  I think because my mind is always on the past and always worried about the future…Pema Chodron calls it “monkey mind”…always thinking always moving always always always.   It’s so hard to slow it down.   I can’t even meditate because my monkey mind is always flitting from one thought to another.

My intention for 2014 is “presence”.  Just trying to be present in every moment, so I can really get back to the core of who I am.


“Restlessness is me, you see, it’s hard to be safe, it’s difficult to be happy..” ~ Ane Brun


Restless.  Not feeling well, on the verge of sickness and tears.  Heartbroken over recent events.  Christmas is around the corner.  So much on my mind.  A time that should be the most joyous time of the year is now marred with death and illness.  Those poor babies in Connecticut, my heart hasn’t stopped hurting since Friday and I haven’t had a chance to really let it all out and cry.  It will be awhile before I heal from that, before everyone heals from that I think.   Now I find out that two dear people who I know through my job are both fighting cancer.  So much sadness.  Trying to focus on my family and Christmas and moving on and living life.  All we can ever really do is move on, right?   Trying to find solace and happiness in the little things, the smile and hugs of my kids, asking how their day went, potlucks at work,  my husband’s arm around my shoulder, kitty snuggles.   The little things are what make up a life, not the grand gestures, not the major life events, it’s the little things. 

“Whether you love Pit Bulls or Poodles, we are all in this together” ~ Me


I’m going to admit, I’ve never been huge on following politics in my lifetime.  I’ve always ascribed to the mindset of “whatever happens, happens”.  For some reason, this election, I’ve felt my energy shift.  I’ve sat up and began to really notice, really pay attention to what is being presented as “this is how you should vote, this is how you should think, this is how you should live.”   I think it is due to all of the barnacles of my old life being scraped away.  I used to vote Republican, because as a good Mormon that is what was expected of me.   I used to be highly conservative, because my religion expected it of me.   As I grow into myself, as I get older, my views have definitely become what most would call “liberal”, as I begin truly thinking for myself and listening to my own inner voice,  I realize that the way of thinking I used to live my life by doesn’t fit my new paradigm.   This election, we actually had a Mormon as the Republican candidate, and even putting his Mormonism aside and focusing only on what I saw him do and heard him say, I could not in good conscience vote for him.  I see in Obama someone who cares about the things I care about.   Why shouldn’t everyone have  equal rights in life?   I keep so quiet about my views, I rarely share my political views with anyone for fear of backlash, but I do have a voice.   No president is ever going to be perfect, no person will ever be perfect for that matter.   I voted my conscience yesterday.  I suspect all of you did the same thing, whether you voted for Romney or Obama.  I hope that everyone weighed the pros and cons of each candidate and voted intelligently.  That is the beauty of this whole process, isn’t it?   Everyone has a voice and everyone gets a chance to use it!

Last night and today on Facebook I saw so much hatred from people with opposing views.  Republicans calling the Democrats “stupid” (and worse) for voting the way they felt true to.  Democrats wagging their fingers at Republicans, gloating at their “win”, etc.   Really?   We are adults and should be loving each other, no matter what religion we are, no matter what political way of thinking we ascribe to.   We really are all ONE, we are intelligent thinkers, we are human, we are precious.   Whether you believe in God or not, whether you feel gay people should have equal rights or not, whether you love Pit Bulls or Poodles, we are all in this together.

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


How do you live in alignment with your heart?  How do you reconcile your deepest longings with your day-to-day life?  Why do so many people out there seem to have it “all together” and are living their dreams while the rest of us live in daily “drudgery”?  I don’t mean to say that my job in and of itself is drudgery.  I am grateful for a job, please don’t get me wrong, especially in this economy.  But….it is NOT my dream.  It is not what I ache to do day in and day out.  How do I reconcile that?  I can’t, having young children at home.  I love my boys dearly, and I need to have a good job to help pay the bills and provide for them financially and health-insurance wise.  But, does it follow my heart’s path?  No, sadly it doesn’t.  To be honest, how many of us “normal people” can honestly say we follow our heart’s desire?  I’m not talking about those people with whom money is no object, and why do we normal people really aspire to that?  I mean, to having money be no object?  Probably so we can follow our dreams and be who and whatever we want to be.  I watch shows on TV, like “Million Dollar Rooms” on HGTV.  These people spend upwards of $8 million or more on a pool…a POOL.  So they can have an indoor space to hang out in that has a POOL, and a refrigerator that is on an elevator and can lower from the kitchen to the POOL area with the flick of a switch..just so they don’t have to walk up 3 flights of stairs to the kitchen.  That depressed me (although it was pretty frickin’ cool), and I changed the channel.  It would be nice to have money be no object.  If money were no object, however, I wouldn’t have an indoor pool with a kitchen that can lower with the flick of a switch.  Why?  Because, it’s NOT IMPORTANT to life.  What would I do if money were no object?  I would open an art studio of my own, on the beach, and I would draw and paint all day long.  I would play my piano all day long and get better and better at it.  I would have walls lined with bookshelves to hold all of the books I want to read but don’t have the space or the time for.  I would have a pool, but it wouldn’t be an $8 million dollar one, because seriously, who really NEEDS to spend that kind of money on a POOL?   I would take my kids on trips if I had that kind of money, and I would help feed the homeless people (not a cliche’), because really, can you imagine how many homeless people you could feed with that kind of money?   I would travel to Europe and I would visit my soul-heart’s place of Ireland.  O’Brien’s Tower, to be exact, because I dreamt of that place before I knew it actually existed on earth, in reality.   There is so much I would do if money were no object.

Since money is an object though, how do I reconcile my heart wishes with every day reality of having a job, raising my boys, and living, breathing, focusing, drudging?   I paint when I can, I draw when I can, I play the piano when I come home for my lunch hour, and somehow make it back to work a slightly more sane person.  I smile at the person I am helping at the counter, or over the phone, knowing that we are all on this path and if someone smiles at you it somehow makes your day that much brighter.   I hug my kids that much tighter when I come home, knowing these precious few years before they are grown are just that…precious and few.  I buy them what I can when they ask for birthday gifts, hoping they appreciate the hard work I put into actually being able to pay for those things, and hopefully they will grow up and appreciate and learn how important it is to work hard for the things you have.   I teach them that love is more important than having an $8 million dollar pool in your home.  Helping them with their homework, even when I am exhausted from my busy day.  Giving them a “spelling test” so they can ace the one they have at school.  Encouraging them to go out for sports, even if they aren’t athletically-inclined.  Just so they know I believe in them and the value of stepping outside your comfort-zone.

I don’t know why part of me envies the ones that have all that money (and seemingly time) to have everything they want.  The wants I have are so simple and valuable to me, I just have to figure out how to make the time for them so they fall in line with what I need to provide right now.

“Self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul.” ~ Henry Van Dyke


I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  Sitting here truly contemplating life, where I fit into it, where I’ve been, where I’m going within it.  Do I think too much?  Is there such thing as being too deep of a thinker?  If there is, then I guess I am.  Not content with the status-quo, I’m always *thinking* how to better myself, how to decorate my home better, how instead of working on my art I sit thinking about the art I want to do.   I think I do think too much, but I can’t help it.  I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, at work I’m thinking about home.  My inner-dialogue (monologue?) never ever ever stops.  I go to yoga at the gym and I can’t quiet my mind enough, it’s always racing.  I’ve tried meditation and I can’t quiet my mind enough to focus on the present moment.   Maybe I have adult ADD, and I don’t say that lightly.

Sitting here tonight, drinking a glass of beloved cabernet, I’m sad.  I’m 40 years old and I’m thinking about my life, while it’s a good life, still seems unfulfilled.  I envision the life I want, living in the mountains or near the sea, my own little art gallery where I can sit and paint all day and have people come in and ooh and ahh at my latest creation.  Right now is a different time, however.  A time for raising my precious boys, a time for working so we can have a roof over our heads and food in our tummies.  So, it feels like an all-or-nothing soul-situation.  I either have a space to create (which I don’t), or I don’t create (which I haven’t in some time).  But I need to to feel fulfilled, and there lies my crisis of the soul.

Just pouring out thoughts because I feel safe here to an extent.   Life stresses and I feel lately there is no relief, no repose, no soul-pause, no space to just “be”, even in my own mind.  Especially in my own mind.


“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.” ~ Bob Moawad


It’s taken me many years and much boomeranging of my feelings, ideas, and thoughts to get where I am today:  40 years old and realizing that my life is truly my own now.   I have the power within me to be who I am and not really care what others think of me anymore.  It’s a hard road to travel, it’s been a rough road.

When you are a child, all you care about is what your friends think, your parents think (oh to disappoint your parents was the WORST thing in the world, at least it was for me), your church leaders (if you went to a church), your teachers, your neighbors…the list goes on.   You grow up a little, become a teenager, begin that stepping away, that inner-rebellion, that surface “I don’t care what you think!!”..but you do, you did, didn’t you?  Even when you dyed your hair that funny color or ripped holes in all of your jeans to “fit” in with your crowd…you were rebelling, but still wanting to be a part of the group, wanting to figure out how much you could get away with and still be loved and accepted.   Then you get older, start having kids of your own, but you still listen to your parents, and heaven forbid you disappoint them in any way.   You raise your kids the way you were raised, you don’t want to ruffle feathers, but you are still on the turning away, still feeling your way in the world, trying new things, new ideas (that may or may not be your own).  You listen still to what church leaders tell you is the “right and true way” to live and find your way back to God.  You don’t really question these things, not outwardly, because heaven forbid you disappoint your church family for having ideas of your own.

There comes a point though where you realize that your life is truly your own.  You get to call the shots, make the decisions, (GASP) have your OWN ideas about things, and hey, the sky didn’t fall, the world is still standing, it didn’t crumble around you.   You start really coming into your own and figuring out who you are…for me that was when I turned 40.

At 30 I thought “woohoo I’m an adult!!  People will start taking me seriously!!”…but I didn’t take myself seriously enough,  I was still of the mindset that I cared what people think, just by thinking that you see.   Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be kind to people and treat others with respect, however others’ opinions of me do not dictate how I feel about myself anymore.  I know I am kind, I treat mankind with respect.  I love my family very much, my parents, my husband and children.  The best part is I love myself now and treat myself with respect as well.   I am not portraying my life as anything other than it is.  I indulge in things I want to indulge in, even if people from my past would say I was going against God to indulge in those things.  I don’t judge people anymore (and expect the same in return), and my personal mantra has developed into this: “to each their own”.

My life is my own now, I am living a beautiful life.  Is it perfect?  What is?  Nothing and nobody are.   I am happy with where I am and happy with my choices that have gotten me here.   I know everyone is on a different journey with different circumstances in their lives, some happy, some not so much, but I wish for everyone to know peace, the kind of peace you have when you finally do realize your life is your own.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~ Mary Oliver

Hey, Soul-Sister (or Mister)


So, since the last time I posted on my blog, I turned 40. I don’t know how that happened, but it did. I really really panicked for the few months leading up to it, and amazingly, I’ve pretty much gotten over it now. I still feel the same inside, 19 years old to be exact. I wonder if I will ever NOT feel 19 years old anymore? Does our spirit stop aging (I didn’t say stop growing) at about 19-20 years old? Stuff to ponder…

Lots on my mind lately with getting to be this age. I don’t know where to go with it really, but I’m just going to type as the thoughts flow. Probably won’t edit them either or give them too much thought. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships, those people closest to us, friends, soul connections to be exact. I am craving deep soul-connections, and not just superficial day-to-day “how are you doing?” connections. Real deep connections. I think we truly only find a few real deep connections within our lifetime. Those people that the moment you meet them a spark is ignited, an inner-awareness that you’ve met before, or that you have been destined to meet. Some of these people we can meet as children and through time and distance you still have that connection, even if it’s been years since you’ve spoken. Some people you meet as adults and it’s though there is no distance between you, even if you are thousands of miles away. You have that connection, that deep soul-craving for one another. That’s what I crave, deep connection. This kind of connection shouldn’t be limited to the same gender as you, nor should you be afraid that if it is someone other than your significant other that it is off limits. Connection is connection, on a soul-level. Why are we afraid of this, as humans? Are we afraid?

Maybe this is all that has really been on my mind lately and I had to just get this out there. I really do not like superficial relationships, those are what scare me and keep me closed off from who I truly am Life is too short for surface pleasantries. I’m not talking about the pleasantness that you deal to strangers, that is important too, of course. Why would you not share that with the world?

I am grateful for my soul-friends. You all know who you are (or should). I want to be near you, even in spirit, for you fill my heart with a longing that my day-to-day existence craves. Life is too short to settle for anything less.