I think I’m having a mid-life crisis. Sitting here truly contemplating life, where I fit into it, where I’ve been, where I’m going within it. Do I think too much? Is there such thing as being too deep of a thinker? If there is, then I guess I am. Not content with the status-quo, I’m always *thinking* how to better myself, how to decorate my home better, how instead of working on my art I sit thinking about the art I want to do. I think I do think too much, but I can’t help it. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, at work I’m thinking about home. My inner-dialogue (monologue?) never ever ever stops. I go to yoga at the gym and I can’t quiet my mind enough, it’s always racing. I’ve tried meditation and I can’t quiet my mind enough to focus on the present moment. Maybe I have adult ADD, and I don’t say that lightly.
Sitting here tonight, drinking a glass of beloved cabernet, I’m sad. I’m 40 years old and I’m thinking about my life, while it’s a good life, still seems unfulfilled. I envision the life I want, living in the mountains or near the sea, my own little art gallery where I can sit and paint all day and have people come in and ooh and ahh at my latest creation. Right now is a different time, however. A time for raising my precious boys, a time for working so we can have a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. So, it feels like an all-or-nothing soul-situation. I either have a space to create (which I don’t), or I don’t create (which I haven’t in some time). But I need to to feel fulfilled, and there lies my crisis of the soul.
Just pouring out thoughts because I feel safe here to an extent. Life stresses and I feel lately there is no relief, no repose, no soul-pause, no space to just “be”, even in my own mind. Especially in my own mind.