“Self is the only prison that can ever bind the soul.” ~ Henry Van Dyke

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I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  Sitting here truly contemplating life, where I fit into it, where I’ve been, where I’m going within it.  Do I think too much?  Is there such thing as being too deep of a thinker?  If there is, then I guess I am.  Not content with the status-quo, I’m always *thinking* how to better myself, how to decorate my home better, how instead of working on my art I sit thinking about the art I want to do.   I think I do think too much, but I can’t help it.  I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work, at work I’m thinking about home.  My inner-dialogue (monologue?) never ever ever stops.  I go to yoga at the gym and I can’t quiet my mind enough, it’s always racing.  I’ve tried meditation and I can’t quiet my mind enough to focus on the present moment.   Maybe I have adult ADD, and I don’t say that lightly.

Sitting here tonight, drinking a glass of beloved cabernet, I’m sad.  I’m 40 years old and I’m thinking about my life, while it’s a good life, still seems unfulfilled.  I envision the life I want, living in the mountains or near the sea, my own little art gallery where I can sit and paint all day and have people come in and ooh and ahh at my latest creation.  Right now is a different time, however.  A time for raising my precious boys, a time for working so we can have a roof over our heads and food in our tummies.  So, it feels like an all-or-nothing soul-situation.  I either have a space to create (which I don’t), or I don’t create (which I haven’t in some time).  But I need to to feel fulfilled, and there lies my crisis of the soul.

Just pouring out thoughts because I feel safe here to an extent.   Life stresses and I feel lately there is no relief, no repose, no soul-pause, no space to just “be”, even in my own mind.  Especially in my own mind.

 

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4 responses »

  1. I know your struggle, friend. I am not calling mine a mid-life crisis, I am saving that for a more self-directed time. I am chaulking up my own interspection as a pregnancy phase.
    The big question is “WHO am I? ME? Where is my SELF? Who is my SELF?” I too have been pondering. I know more art work will help me find the me that seems to be lost right now, but that means finding time and energy. And taking time away from the family and each crisis that rears its head at each quiet moment!

    I still wonder who I will be when I grow up. What i want and dream of, I have nearly lost hope for. The whole concept of after kids just does not register anymore! I graduated my first but have not given birth to my last. Instead of dreading an empty nest, I am dreading more diapers! I am looking at the new old challenges heading my way, looking forward to some, dreading others.

    Each Challenge Dear Molly will help us grow in to the Divine, Intellegent, Perfect Soul we are called to be. Lets both commit to a little time devoted to allowing our personal best to reveal ourself, each day.

  2. This is why I love you, Tami. You “get” me. I’m up for the challenge to devoting some time each day to what fills my soul. Today I had a stressful day at work. I work only 5 minutes from home, so I come home for lunch every day. Instead of flipping on my laptop, I took time to breathe deeply, drink lots of water, play some piano and begin reading a much anticipated (to me) new book. With every inhale I breathed calm, and with every exhale I let go of those “things” that were weighing on me, even if only for that hour. When I returned to work for the afternoon I felt renewed, refreshed. I felt like a different person than I was in the morning. Listening to the inner-whisperings of what I “need” instead of doing those things that I may feel like doing (but aren’t necessarily what I need at that moment) is going to be the key for me.

  3. You see, it’s not us, it’s just that we’ve become so easily distracted by the hurrying demands of modern life, that we’ve temporarily lost touch with our natural state of being. But there is a way, if we seek it.

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